As I take a quick trip down memory lane...1998, At 18 I was so excited about the freedom I was about to experience when I left my parents home. Freedom I thought was so attractive at that point in my young life. I had no idea of the luxury I was leaving and the struggle I was walking into. The struggle called adulthood and all that came along with it. I never owned a cell phone. We never had cable television. But life was great! And it was about to change drastically! Me, the baby of 5, off to college to study something so outside the norm of what was expected!
My life since then has been a series of out the norm experiences. I consider it a blessing that I was able to become an entertainer even though Dad really wanted me to be an accountant. I giggle at that thought. With 4 decades between Dad and I, I always felt slightly misunderstood! But God knew exactly what he was doing in my life even though I had no clue! The strict upbringing molded me into the woman I am today!
Growing up with a bubbly personality doesn't always mean having it all together. It seemed as if I was the life of the room but underneath the surface was deep roots of low self esteem and insecurities, which is probably why acting made so much sense for me. I was on a quest to find myself. The past 10 years have been just that! A journey of self discovery!
As much as I thought I had it together at 25, I didn't! I thought because I owned a car, was a new home owner, had a boyfriend who told me I was going to be his wife and my career was getting there (well I was kinda working on it) that I had it together. Boy oh boy was I wrong. I had a nice kick in the butt reality check when I moved to another country. It was only when I was taken away from the comfort zone of family, friends, and work relationships that I was forced to really look at myself.This journey is one I will need to write a book about one day… Perhaps soon.
But here I am, It's my birthday today.... 35. A whole new outlook on life!
I am beginning to understand the true definition of Grace, when I have had to give Grace to others. I must admit, giving Grace isn't always an easy task but then you realize how much you have needed it personally. You begin to quiet your judgement and harshness and even if you're hurt by situations or people and their actions, you are still able to give compassion and grace wholeheartedly, with great hope in God who holds you together.
I've been challenged to forgive... I've always been a forgiving person. I would forgive first then deal with it later, but the challenge now comes when your eyes are opened to the world we live in. When we are no longer innocent or protected to the evils of this life. Forgiveness becomes a challenge even when your soul reminds you that it's the right thing to do.
I was never the girl into fairytales who thought I'd get married young. I was not the one who had her colours picked or already had my wedding already planned (Clearly). But when all your friends are now married with kids or just have kids and your role has become resident aunt to all (which I love by the way I have 14 nieces and nephews and yes I wrestle with my nephews, not complaining ). you start to wonder... Where have I gone wrong? On the other end you hear about the increase in divorce and married unsatisfied couples and then you ask yourself am I actually okay here… Alone?
Then there's the pressure and measure of success that we have been given to believe is the only way to live. Kill yourself for a great pension package, or get as many trophies and social media likes as possible to show how successfully popular and well "loved" you are! Ha!!! Look I'm not saying don't work hard, I'm not saying don't dream... I'm not saying no Instagram (noooooo)!But there's certainly distortion here, for all of us. Recently i got wind that a childhood friend of mine who I love and respect so kindly, told another friend of ours how unsuccessful she thinks I am... or however she put it. To be living in another country, singing background vocals for another artist, instead of having my own cd or a boyfriend or a green card. Ha! Talk about having an opinion! It stung a little, coming from a "friend" talking this way about me (like that never happens) but then it dawned on me, firstly our view of success is so different! Secondly she believes there's greater for me and I really appreciate it, but her desires for me and what my journey is carved out to be are two different things. I've learned that just because people want things to happen in your life in a certain way doesn't necessarily mean that God intends for them to happen that way for you or that you desire them or that you are ready for them. It made me realize how much I've grown and changed and how my perspective has gotten a great education! I'm still learning man! I could never be upset with her for wishing the best for me. I just had to take from it the lesson and move on.
The older I get the more I recognize my flaws and now instead of running from them I embrace them, I embrace myself! I'm beautifully flawed! I can honestly look at myself in the Mirror and say, "Lois you're beautiful and mean it." I could never truthfully do that at 18, or 20 or 25 I can look at the weight I've gained and tell myself you need to work on it, instead of whispering something horrible about myself to myself, and believing it and staying stuck there. I don't hate myself. In fact, I have come to love my curves, most days. And that in itself is beautiful!
I am not easily moved by people's opinions! Sometimes they get to me, but for the most part I have a saying... Do they pay my bills. Haha... I try to teach my little sisters to care less about what others think of them and focus on who God says they are, then learn to remember it and walk in their true identity.
As far as success goes! My measure of success has changed! It had to!Daily whatsapp texts from Daddy at 75 and Mommy at 73 telling us they love us, the peaceful group texts between my siblings and I screams louder than any applause received when collecting the trophies of this life! Today my parents are alive and healthy, they are not in the hospital, they have everything they need. I am surrounded by amazing friends (near and far) who genuinely like me, support me, and love me enough to tell me the truth in love. TO ME THIS IS SUCCESS! No amount of money can buy that! I have come to appreciate the gift of accountability!There is a quote I really love "A body of men holding themselves accountable to nobody ought not to be trusted by anybody"- Thomas Paine. I've become a better person because I have people who help lead me back on the path when I veer slightly left or right. This to me is success; admitting that I need help to walk through life and that I cannot do it alone. I've learned that you have to go through a journey to appreciate the true value of life.
As far as grace and forgiveness goes... I am human. Sometimes I don't want to forgive and that's just real! I fail, I feel, I hurt, I get angry, I cry (a lot), I laugh, I love, I forgive and then start all over again. But then there is God, so merciful, even toward me. So I begin again with repentance.
See I understand this now more than ever!I am right on schedule! Nothing is out of time or place and where I am is exactly where I'm supposed to be! A good friend of mine reminded me that "We are Never off Schedule when we are in God's time!"And so I trod on...eager to start this next semester of life, excited to see what the curriculum of this season will be, and ready to try and pass the test, in His Perfect Timing!
So here I am Lord Use me.
Thank you for blessing me with an incredible, 35 years of life lived to the fullest, an unbelievable journey that has only just begun! Thank you for taking me to countries all over the world to see the beauty of your creation through your eyes and languages of others! Thank you God for choosing me to walk out this path! thank you for opening doors for me by sending amazing people into my life. Thank you for using those People!
Thank you God for saying yes, when doctors told my mom she could have no more children, you saw fit to give me a chance! I'm forever grateful Lord! May my life forever reflect You, no matter what I do or where I go! May my walk and my life be pleasing to You!For the next 35 and more God .. I surrender to YourPerfect Timing!Beyond Blessed, Extremely Grateful!
